The Post That Began As A Comment

I really do think that I write better comments than posts sometimes.  Something I read strikes a chord in me and the words start pouring out.  And that's the trouble... they pour out.  And it's really too much to leave as a comment on someone else's blog.  Especially when I'm likely to be going off on a tangent they didn't intend.  And I don't want to hijack their message, you know?  So I think I should write about it here, but that's somehow more intimidating.  As if when I write something it's somehow set in stone.

But it's not.

I've heard that it's common for women to process their thoughts by talking about them.  You?  Yes, me.  Or, in this case, by writing about them.  So my disclaimer is that when I put something out there, it's not necessarily my final conclusion.  It's in process.    The beta version, if you will.

With that long preamble out of the way...

I was reading my friend Jena's blog recently.  She's leading a women's Bible study.  I don't know if it's on a book of the Bible, or some kind of published study, or what.  But the issue is that many of the women are having trouble believing that God loves women as much as men.  You can read her posts HERE and HERE, along with the comments. 

Her question was, "Does God, at His heart, think of women as any less than men?"

I'm inferring that that's exactly how these women feel - that they are somehow less than men in God's sight.  And why do they think that?

1.  Some women have been messed up (to put it mildly) by the men in their lives.  At the least confused, and at the worst abused by their fathers and/or other men.  We get that.  We understand how that warps one's view of God.  They need love and grace and restoration.  They need to know God's love for them.  And they deeply need to know the truth.

2.  Some women are caught up in the world's perspective, and a good many of them are church women.  But our culture is pervasive and we're like fish who don't know they're wet.  We're more influenced by our culture than we begin to realize.  The antidote is to saturate our minds with God's Word, yah?  And there are also helpful books.  I particularly like Nancy Leigh Demoss' Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free.

Those are probably the biggest and most common reasons for women to doubt God's love, in my opinion.  But I think there's another more subtle problem.

(And Jena, don't think for a moment I'm implying you're guilty of this - my zany, clever, creative, hedge-hog friend!)

3.  Some women are involved with churches (or other religious groups) that are fighting the culture so hard, they've reacted by swinging the pendulum way over to the other side.  They're entangled in a bunch of extraneous restrictions and expectations.  They're burdened with a role that has little or nothing to do with Biblical womanhood.  And it's like an itchy suit that doesn't fit, and they want out of it.

Which I understand all too well.

I was in a church that was heading down that path, and had I stayed I don't know how my faith would have survived.  There was always a not-so-subtle current floating around that said, "If you were really doing God's best, you would... "

Because really godly women sewed their own clothing (mostly jumpers), ground their own wheat for their own homemade bread, had soft wispy voices, long hair, and long skirts, read Jane Austen, liked tea parties, and harp music, and knitted or crocheted.  And - of course - courted, married, and had a full quiver of children.

Other women need not apply.

Now, there's not a thing wrong with sewing clothes, grinding wheat, drinking tea, yadda yadda yadda.  But that is NOT the definition of Biblical womanhood.  And trying to squeeze all Christian women into that mold is wrong, wrong, WRONG.

Some wise, godly, Christian women are exuberant and outgoing.  And (*gasp!*) even outdoorsy, or mechanically inclined.  Some wise, godly, Christian women would rather make furniture than crochet.  Would rather read P. J. O'Rourke than Bodie Thoene.  And would actually rather go to a BBQ or go camping or to the dentist, than to a tea party.

I got an invitation recently to a Mother-Daughter Tea.  (Someone didn't get the memo that I have three boys...)  The invitation addressed the ladies first, and concluded with this:

And if you're a little lady, bring your doll and practice mothering in the doll corner, or color paper dolls and color sheets. Then join other girls around the harp and lift your silvery voices in song...

In your frilly dress, white tights, and patent Mary Janes, no doubt.

Now you may be thinking, "Oh, how lovely!" And good for you.  Have at it.

But I can tell you, as a child I would have suffocated in that atmosphere.  And quite possibly even now.

And I have to wonder if some of these women are struggling with being loved and accepted by God because they don't fit the mold.

I know Jena wasn't asking why women feel God loves them less than men, but I think it's worth asking that first.  Because which ever (if any) of those categories we fit, we all need God's truth.  But some women need more tenderness, some need their thinking challenged, and some just need to be set free.


Update from Jena, HERE.

FRIENDS:  I appreciate all your comments.  This morning there were 15 waiting and I realized that some were duplicates - or nearly duplicates.  Because I have comment moderation on, you may not realize it will be posted eventually?  Or sometimes it may tell you your comment is too long, but it actually is accepting it anyway.  If I got multiple same/similar comments from the same person I have tried to publish the most representative one.

BUT, if I inadvertently deleted what you wanted to say, I'm sorry!  Leave it again and I'll post it.

Thanks for your patience.

Hmmmm...

We have to end adolescence as a social experiment.  We tried it.   It failed.  It's time to move on...

Children rapidly assuming the roles and responsibilities of adults would yield enormous benefits to society.

Newt Gingrich in Business Week


Interesting thought.  I don't suppose he's meaning to deprive children of actual childhood, but to eliminate the rapidly growing class of adultescents.

Reading an interesting book, Age of Opportunity, by Paul David Tripp.

This Bleating of Sheep

We were reading 1 Samuel 15 a while ago.  God sends Saul to destroy the Amalekites and all their possessions.  Wipe everything out. 

But he doesn't, quite.  And when Samuel comes to check up on him, he bluffs.

The Lord bless you!  I have carried out the Lord's instructions!

And then, some of the most unlikely humor in the Bible.

What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears?  What is this lowing of cattle that I hear?

And you know the story.  It's the beginning of the end for Saul.

In verse 11 God says, I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me...

So Gunnar asked me,  Did God make a mistake?

Pretty good question.  The language makes it sound like it.  As if God didn't anticipate Saul's unfaithfulness.  But of course, we know He did.  So if it's all part of the big plan, which I'm okay with not understanding, why does God regret it?

Hmmmm...

"If you women continue to demand your choice to work, you will so upset the economy of this country that the time will come when you will not have a choice.  You will have to work."

Helen Andelin, from Fascinating Womanhood, 1963


I don't know who she is, or what her beliefs are, but an interesting thought.  Yah?

Friends - Still More

(To see the earlier posts, click the label - Beta Thoughts - at the bottom of the post.)

I have to say I really liked Leah's comment about The Friendship Dial.  Parents get to "tune" the friendship dial, guiding their kids in how close to let certain friendships get, and how much monitoring they require. 

So, hears another dial I like to tune...

3.  How much time they spend with friends.

Honestly, I favor a lot less time with peers than what is considered normal in our society.  Now the boys do have a lot of friends that I'm glad to have around.  :D  But in general, spending a lot of time with other kids isn't going to help them grown in godly wisdom and maturity, now is it?  Because they're all immature - meaning, they're not yet mature - mine included.  I've been thinking more about this now that I have a 13 year-old.  And I didn't say "a teenager" on purpose.

I read not long ago that the word "teenager" didn't exist as a noun until relatively recently.  "Teenage" was an adjective, describing a person in their teens.  That all changed when adolescence became a culture of its own.  But that's a discussion for another day.  And whether you're thinking along the same lines or not, it's fairly universally accepted that in our culture most teens are more influenced by their peers than by their family.

That is not my goal.  Now, we're new to this territory (adolescence), so I'm no expert, but that sure seems like a recipe for some undesirable fruit, yah?  At that age, especially.

Good grief!  Why on earth, when our kids are hitting adolescence, and their hormones are carbonated and their brains are muddled, would we want to passively release them to a bunch of like-minded peers?  And that's the good kids!  The rebellious ones get downright nasty.  Isaiah 32:6.

So, contrary to what is "normal", I actually favor more supervision in these years, as opposed to unsupervised (or minimally supervised) time with friends.  The more time they spend with mature, godly adults (mentors) the better.



So, wrapping this all up...

First, I realize that a lot of my thoughts have sounded negative.  In reality, we are blessed to have many friends and relatives that we enjoy spending time with and are happy for our kids to be around.  And they're not all Christians, either.

But, secondly, I do tend to analyze these things.  I have high expectations for my boys, along the lines of 1 Timothy 4:12.  Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

Um... we're not there yet.  Really, really not there yet.

We're still over at Proverbs 22:15,  Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child...

And it wasn't put there by someone else's kid.  Again, I think of Rachael's words, "Sin isn't a disease we catch.  It's a genetic condition."  Our own sinful hearts lead us astray faster than anyone else can.

Third, since my kids anyway are not consistently wise and mature enough to have this figured out for themselves, I'm going to keep a close eye on things.

When I was growing up our house was the go-to place.  Didn't hurt that we lived on the lake, but more than that, it was just my parents' way.  And whaddaya know, they knew all our friends.  They knew (for the most part, anyway) what was going on.  And I get it.  If they're all here, I can see and hear and evaluate what's going on, and how my boys are handling it.  That's the key, right there.  Watching the boys' hearts.

Not to mention, fourth, at my house, I get to make the rules.

I'm not nearly as good and easy-going about hospitality as my mom was and is, but I'm trying.  Partly because it's one of those "one another's", so it's not really an option, anyway.  But that's not the only reason.  (We do enjoy having company, btw, it's not just an obligation.)

Yes, there are going to be people that we will be kind to... from a distance.  I'd much prefer to stay in the safe zone of like-minded parents.  But we're trying to find the right balance of compassion and discernment.  Trying to work out how to be gracious and loving and wise.

And really, really glad to hear how you all do it.

Friends- More

(First part here, and second part here.)  

Btw, sometimes I just mention a Bible reference.

Hover over it and you'll see the verse.

So far... Kerry and I have basically the same goals as far as how the kids ought to treat people.  But we differ in our views of balancing compassion with caution in making friends.

2.  Who the boys hang out with.

Here's where the rubber meets the road.  The boys don't live in a bubble, after all.  They're in contact with all kinds of people.

And they're young and immature.  I don't mean they're immature for their ages, but they are not adults.  They are not mature.  They are not wise and discerning.  I think they need help - they need guidance in evaluating who they can and should hang around with.  They really do.

I'll tell you a story.  When Tate was about seven, there was a boy in his class at school who lived nearby.  I think Tate liked him because he was funny.  Oh, he was funny all right.  He was a smart aleck, popping off in class.  I let him come over to play a few times, against my better judgment.  But that came to a screeching halt when he persisted in bullying Gunnar every time he was here.  Sometimes right in front of his own mom.  And Tate was just too young to get it.

On the other hand, there are other neighborhood kids that our boys go back and forth with constantly, with our blessing.  They're not perfect.  We're not perfect.  But we're on the same page, so I don't have to be as vigilant in overseeing their time together.

As some of you wisely pointed out, there are friends and there are friends.  I think of Proverbs 12:26, "A righteous man is cautious in friendship."

Rachael mentioned the importance of paying close attention to how our kids respond to other kids.  Are my kids being judgmental?  Are they able to be gracious without compromise?  Or are they being attracted by what they know is wrong?  How are they handling it?

When I watched Tate with this other boy, I could see that Tate thought it was all really funny, a big game.  He thought this kid was "cool". When I told Tate we weren't going to be having that boy over any more I also asked him to find some other kids to play with at recess.  And I got resistance.  Which, to me, is a warning flag.  Why are we so fascinated with trouble?

Around that same time we had temporary custody of Kerry's niece for about a year.  Her parents are/were the most vile, self-serving, manipulative druggies you can imagine.  They would've thrown her under a bus to get whatever they wanted.  The things she had been exposed to would curl your hair.  And you know what?  Whenever we were downtown, or at a store, we would see people like her parents - people our grandparents would call "low-lifes" - and she was clearly drawn to them.  They were her normal.  I would watch her watching them... see her interest, her attraction.  And she was two years old.  Broke my heart, and scared me for her future.

So I'm cautious about whom I want the boys getting comfortable around.


Goes back to Proverbs 22:24-25.  Why do we avoid certain people?  So we don't fall into their ways.  So we don't become like them. 

I think Kerry's gut-reaction is to equate this with being snobby.  Being holier-than-thou.  I see it differently.

I'll tell you the truth.  It's not because I think my boys are so pure and noble and perfectly mannered that they need to somehow be protected from contamination by "bad" kids.  Oh no, it's because they - we - are weak.  And easily influenced by the company we keep.  Proverbs 13:20.

So I'm left with the tension of trying to balance the virtue of being a friend to the lonely and the outcast, with my desire to protect my boys from trouble and temptation, knowing all the while that we bring our own trouble to the equation.

Rachael didn't pull any punches when she said, "Sin isn't a disease we catch.  It's a genetic conditon."

We have it, too.

Friend Issues - Take Two

One thing I've learned about parenting is that I wish I was a whole lot smarter than I am.  We muddle through this thing, sometimes blundering around like a bull in a china shop, and it's a wonder our kids survive us at all.

But there's hope.  God promises wisdom to those who ask for it.  I love Isaiah 40:11, "... He gently leads those that have young."  And we have each other.  Not to pool our ignorance, but to remind each other of the Truth.  To pray for each other.  To comfort.  I appreciate all of you who have chimed in with your wise words.

If you missed it and you're interested, you can see the first part here.

As I've been thinking about this issue of friendships, and re-reading your helpful comments, I've come to divide my thoughts into three parts.  And at the risk of rambling on for way too long, I think I'll post just one part at a time.  Besides, if I don't, I'll keep fussing over them.  So, inspired by this (off topic) post, I'm labeling them Beta Thoughts.  Moving on...

1.  How we want the boys to treat others.

Well, that should be obvious, shouldn't it?  Nicely.

I think Craig first mentioned James 2:1-5, and I know that is in the forefront of Kerry's mind too.  We dont' want to model - or allow the boys to develop - the attitude that people are there to serve our purposes, or that we don't befriend people unless they can benefit us in some way.  I think we all know what it feels like to be overlooked or outright rejected by "the in crowd" and we certainly don't want to treat others that way.  Besides, in God's eyes that's all upside down anyway, isn't it.

But we want to do better than just being nice.  (Though that's a jolly good start!)  How about something really radical?  Philippians 2:3-4 hits the nail right on the head, "... in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others."  Ouch.

So we're working on the one another's.  You know...

• love one another
• show mercy and compassion to one another
• encourage one another
• be devoted to one another in brotherly love
• honor one another
• live in harmony with one another
• serve one another
• bear with one another
• be kind and compassionate to one another
• forgive one another
• offer hospitality to one another

And I could go on.  But I left out the one about "greet one another with a holy kiss."
Because there is just. no. way.

And in all of that, Kerry and I are on the same page.

Where we differ, things get a little slippery.  Kerry is definitely more tender-hearted than I am, much more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I'm more motivated to protect my own, you know - that mother bear thing.  Which may make me sound more cold-hearted than I hope I actually am.  In some ways we're backwards to the stereotype.  He leads with his heart and I lead with my head.  (Not a sideways insult.  Just tellin' it like it is.)

If you picture a scale with compassion at one end and discernment at the other, Kerry leans toward the compassion end and I lean the other way.  That's not a snide way of saying he's not discerning, btw, but that we definitely weight those values differently.

But the good news is, they're not mutually exclusive.  As several of you have pointed out, there's more than a semantic difference between being a friend and being friends.

So there you go.  Part One.  Discuss.

Friend Issues

I started to write this months ago, but didn't want to publish it when it was fresh.  I certainly don't want any of my friends wondering if I'm talking about them.  I'm not.  In fact, I'm not thinking of any one person in particular... though there was definitely an impetus for writing this.  And I can guarantee you it's no one who reads the blog.  (And it has nothing to do with some fun boys who are over here today!)

What do you all think?

How do you balance Parent One's (good) desire to be 'reaching out to the outcast' with Parent 2's (good) concern to train the kids to choose their friends wisely?

P1 has a lot more compassion than P2.  P1 encourages the boys to befriend and spend time with the kids that other kids avoid.  P1 does not buy into cozying up to "the beautiful people" and wants the boys to reach out to the... awkward, the outcasts.  P1 says things like, "It sure looks like *** could use a friend.  Let's invite him over to play."

P2 takes a different view.  P2 also does not want to show favoritism (cozying up to "the beautiful people").  P2 also encourages the boys to be kind to newcomers and outsiders, but wants the boys to be discerning in their friendships.  Frankly, sometimes there are good reasons that certain people don't have many friends, and "lie down with dogs, get up with fleas" comes to mind.

So that probably blew my cover.  I was trying to be fair and unbiased in presenting our different viewpoints.

What do you think?

I've been skimming through Proverbs and need to spend more time there, working this out.  What first comes to mind are verses like these.  (I'm writing out the references because if you hover over them, the verse should appear in a little box.)

Proverbs 12:26
Proverbs 13:20
Proverbs 16:29
Proverbs 18:24
Proverbs 22:24-25
Proverbs 28:7


I know there are many more that illuminate different facets of friendship.  How do you all live this out? 

UPDATE:  I have some great and wise friends and commentors!  Feel free to add to the discussion.  I'm going to be busy this week and have some other posts scheduled, but I hope to be coming back to this later.