Wednesday, January 11, 2012


You know how some days are so precious, so wonderful, so heartwarming that you wish you could somehow freeze time, and remember them forever?

Yesterday was not one of those days.

This is The Queen's Winter Throne, aka my spot to chill out :D

Well, it really began earlier.  Wyatt and Tate were in the garage playing with the play-station, and got into an argument about whose turn it was and actually came to blows over it.  Which terrified my tender-hearted Gunnar, and didn't do Tate's new glasses any good either.  Gunnar was already out-of-sorts with getting back into the school groove (and - you know -  having to work), and things went downhill from there.

Of course, the fact that everybody had somewhere to go that evening didn't help.  Kerry and Gunnar were on their way to Boys' Club at church - which was a good thing in general and a good distraction for Gunnar.  Wyatt and Tate had a SAR training to go to, this one in more of a classroom setting.

Which means Tate needs Wyatt's help, and that's where it gets complicated.

See, unfortunately my suspicions were correct.  I had Tate down to Seattle Children's over the Christmas break and he's lost 10-15 decibels of hearing.  I had hoped maybe his HA just needed servicing, but regrettably it's working just fine.  In fact, with the HA working at it's outer limits, it's Tate that's working.

No one knows how hard he works.  All.  The.  Time.

And that's what just slays me.  He has to work so hard.  When the Audie did the Word Recognition test (a very clear man's voice reading a list of words, all of which Tate is familiar with) he scored 42%.  When she threw in some background noise - in other words, a normal real-life environment - he dropped to 24%.

That means that out in the real world, when I'm not there to repeat everything in my oh-so-familiar-and-predictable-voice, Tate is only getting every third or fourth word, and he's piecing everything together from that.

I can't imagine the frustration.  

And there's nothing I can do to fix it.

Plus, oh joy, he's thirteen and the hormones are rising.  I remember Wyatt hitting this stage.  It was like he was on the boil all the time.  Aggressive.  Easily irritable.  So it doesn't really surprise me that Tate started pounding on Wyatt out in the garage.  (And Wyatt probably had it coming.)  But it doesn't exactly make Wyatt more willing to help Tate when they go to CAP or to SAR training.  When they're in a big, echo-y, concrete building.  And I know Tate can't hear most of what they say, and he's trying so hard to learn and succeed.

And if I could give him my ears, I would.  But I can't.  And the helplessness drives me up the wall.  So - I hope this isn't too weird - I'm throwing in all these pictures of things that bring me a bit of cheer amidst my dark thoughts.

But it takes something deeper, more permanent, and more substantial to deal with trials than happy little penguins around a glowing igloo.

Something like a little mustard seed of faith.  

And a God who is big enough to handle these problems.

(And maybe a little Nutella - just being honest.) 

And boy did Pastor Bert hit a home-run on Sunday, proclaiming from Hebrews (Heb. 4:14-16) that

Jesus can handle our trouble.  

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, therefore we can,

come boldly to the throne of grace,  

where there is mercy.

And I have to be honest and tell you that it doesn't feel any better.  But I'm hanging on to that.


dlefler said...

Sometimes the stress and the worry can be absolutely draining. I try hard to remain positive, and then someone said to me (the other day): "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

It bothered me for some reason, and I finally figured out why. The statement isn't exactly true. The truth is,

"God gives you the strength to make it through the tough spots."

It isn't as if any of us are superheroes - His grace is made evident through our weaknesses.

I will say a prayer for brotherly peace, and endurance, and fortitude for trials ahead.

Also, Nutella is awesome. Just sayin'

melanie said...

Mrs. Santos said it so well in her daybook... something about Life doesn't require faith if we think we can handle it on our own.

Your beautiful wintry-but-cozy house looks so lovely... I am almost ready for a blanket of snow outside {as long as I'm inside looking out} ~ we might get an inch tonight along with 40mph gusts. {60F+ yesterday ~ currently 26F and dropping}

Kat said...

My sister and I just had a conversation about limiting God and what he can handle for us. I've been so concerned with moving the kids to a different school system (or actually to 2 different school systems) and the money may not be there to move. I was so frustrated and admitted that it won't be in the cards for us...that's when my sister proclaimed, "You are limiting God and what He can do for you and the family." So true, His shoulders are so much bigger than mine and He will guide us through this issue if we are just sure of Him and stay His course. Thanks for this post. While I know that it is so frustrating for you all, it meant so much to me in our journey for Thomas!

The dB family said...

Ohhh, my friend, I need a kleenex now. It's so tough when our kids are hurting -- especially when our Mama hearts can't fix it. Life is such a struggle, I can't imagine going through it without God. You and Tate are on my heart and in my prayers!

Your winter decorating is so pretty. Who knew the colour blue could look cozy!

Love and prayers!

Felicity said...

My heart really feels for you now, Julie. It's so hard on a mom sometimes when kids are hurting or have problems and there's so little (seemingly) that you can do to help. I pray the Lord will be your strength and He CAN do anything.

And Nutella helps you feel better too...

(And I'm so glad I'm not the only ones whose sons come to blows..)

Oh yes, I love the photos - blue being my favourite colour and all.. ;-)

tammy said...

My mom heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry to hear this. It's so hard when you see your child in any type of struggle - whether you know you can't do a dang thing or whether you try your hardest not to do a dang thing as you step back and watch as they work through a difficult time. I just had a conversation with my oldest last night about miracles and hearing loss and God's role in it all. It brought me back to Aiden's birth, to my dad's passing, to all that was upside down in our lives all at the same time. And as much as I wanted to feel broken (and there were days I was) I actually can't believe how I didn't commit myself. There were many of nights I'd feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, at my breaking point, and pray that He take it from me, and He did. and that's why I made it through without meds. ; )

oh, and I gotta say, I'm SO thankful I didn't have a teenager at that time. oh my. the thought. ; ) hang in there Julie. and I LOVE all the pictures. beautiful.

TRS said...

Wow that stinks! Poor Tate.

It's incredible to think he's not frustrated all the time.

Nothing I can say... but sending a virtual hug. \o/

Choate Family said...

So proud of Tate for his hard work (and you can tell him I said that)!

I thought about you today with your short days and long nights. Our day was long and bright and every color was SO vivid - the blue of the sea and the pink of the flowers just popped out at me. So, I'm being thankful for where God has put me and thankful for where He has put you and knowing that He will give both of us exactly what we need :-)

Ruby said...

{{Hugs}} to you Julie. This is so tough for you and your husband but especially for Tate.
"When I am weak, then I am strong." May God grant the grace and patience and wisdom necessary to surmount this trial.

Anonymous said...

Your pictures were beautiful. Even brightened "my" day! Thanks.

You know? Living with hearing loss for two decades now, I just can't imagine how hard it would be when it's your kiddo. It is so frustrating as an ADULT - interacting in a world of sound, I can't imagine what it must be like as a pre-teen and teen.

It's hard to explain to a young man how these frustrations are molding and refining him. "Young grasshopper, these trials make you strong". :-)

It may be time to get a cochlear implant evaluation. My only regret, was that I took so long to make the decision.

Hugs to you - and I pray God's blessing on your very special family. Tate has got himself a terrific mom.


Anonymous said...

Your photography is a delight. AS for your boys---Hmmmm.
I have learned to teach kids to not say they are sorry - when they aren't as that just tells them to lie but to 'state': "I was wrong to - (whatever they did) will you forgive me?"
Do your kids sign at all?